I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
