We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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