Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize