wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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