I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
