I wish my penis had an off switch
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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