I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
