was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize