he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
my being single is dangerous.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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