both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
