Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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