I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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