I'm drive I can fine osifer
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
