Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
How external is "for external use only"?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Maybe he injected his testicle?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize