i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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