So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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