Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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