How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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