I just cut my nipple shaving
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Ladies don't puke and tell
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
