How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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