I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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