I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
