i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Someone came in the potted fern
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize