Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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