He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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