somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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