did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
