my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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