just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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