Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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