she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
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