I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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