Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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