fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
