Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
