I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
