If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
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