I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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