I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
even my farts smell like vagina
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
