Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
