I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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