I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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