I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
