I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
