There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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