i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize
