I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
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