He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
