At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize