True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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