It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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