i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize