I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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