I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I need moral support for this bender
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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