She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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